


Non-Disserving -A Ficlet

by deawrites



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Adult Content, Explicit Language, Kissing, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-04
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2019-03-13 17:56:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13575903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deawrites/pseuds/deawrites
Summary: S4 heart break. Jim drinks because he misses Harvey. Can they reconcile?





	Non-Disserving -A Ficlet

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the prompt, “I don’t think that I deserve all of his love. I don’t even deserve a piece of it.” By shaunaphillips.com
> 
> All mistakes are my own. All comments, kudos, criticisms, and suggestions welcome. I could use some plot bunnies.
> 
> To my wife, the love I deserve and want.

He was drinking too much. If it weren’t for his violent, dark streak that compelled him to beat the hell out of his punching bag; the evidence would be showing much more on his waistline. As it was his body had become affected by the newly formed habit of alcoholism. He barely ate, barely slept; barely functioned outside of working hours. Then he was always on point; forcing himself to be the perfect, inspiring captain of the GCPD. It was when he was home that he was an absolute mess of a man. His heart was broken and there was nothing he could do to mend it. That was aside from abducting Harvey, locking them in a room somewhere; until they both worked the pain of betrayal out of their systems. It wasn’t fair that the one-person Jim would ever go to regarding his situation was the one person he was most despised by.

 

Jim and Sophia Falcone had yet another confrontation. They threatened one another but did not back down; promising destruction of the other if their paths crossed again. It was personal, ugly and Jim didn’t want to remember that he had an affair with her at one time. He had been led by his mindless lust and desire of denial. Denial that there was only one person left in his life that he could fid solace from in their heart and that was the one person he had ostracized the most painfully from his own. He had loved Lee; could see a life with her and all the trimmings that any reasonable man could ever desire. She was strong, intelligent, compassionate and had made him happy. For a time. With his arrest and sentencing to Blackgate prison, and the death of their unborn child; staying was harder then banishing her from his life. A life he barely recognized anymore; Galavan’s murder, being in prison, marked as a corrupt man; it made sense to cut Lee loose and allow her to escape to the life she deserved. Yet Jim had been determined to cling to the what _could_ be instead of the what **had** to be, and Leslie had paid the price.

 

Nora Gordon liked Leslie. Enjoyed her company and was looking forward to her wedding Jim. Jason Gordon; had he been alive; would have undoubtedly teased that he would take her off Jim’s hands. He would have adored her and as well they both should. Leslie Tompkins was the perfect woman to create a perfect life with an unperfect Jim. That was the issue that forever thwarted Jim’s attempts at normalcy: deep inside he wasn’t the man that Nora and Jason Gordon _thought_ they had raised. He was someone far, far worse. There was a darkness within him; an anger that could not be sated or quieted until he met the one person that could reach him through the consumption of both: Harvey Bullock.  Harvey’s friendship was the missing piece of the puzzle that was Jim, and now Jim had destroyed everything they were. All because he had to be righteous and above all, _perfect_.

 

Jim drank. To quell the darkness and the violence. To drown out the truth. Jim wasn’t a good man if he didn’t have someone in his life that could reach him through his flaws. For the first time in his life he had found someone that could stand by him; short comings and all; and still understand, tolerate and even love him. So, what had Jim done? He had viciously chased them away, biting and snapping the entire time until he drew blood. Was it any wonder that Harvey wouldn’t return his texts, phone calls, or answer the door if Jim went by his apartment? And why should he when he was treated so cruelly? So callous and judgmental? Jim had made his ugly bed and now he had to suffer the consequences of his actions; all the choices to deny what he truly wanted from Harvey and their relationship: Love. Jim was in love with Harvey and so he drank to fill the fathomless void left by Harvey’s absence.

 

It was well after one in the morning and there was a persistent drizzle threating to manifest in to hard rain. The streets were wet, the air crisp and cold. Jim shrugged his wool long coat around him and entered the liquor store. He took off his gloves as he perused the aisle settling on one bottle of whiskey and two of vodka; chosen in honor of his father’s tastes. He walked over to the cashier and paid, wishing the man a quiet rest of the shift and exited to the sidewalk. He walked the two more blocks to the apartment building and took the stairs up the five flights to his own door. Once inside he relieved himself of his badge and gun, and stripped down to his dress shirt, trousers and socks before cracking open one of the bottles of vodka and collapsing onto the couch. He stretched out upon it, feet crossed at the ankles, used the arm of the couch as a head rest, only sitting up enough to take the first sips out of the bottle. After that he lay in silence and listened to the white noise filling the room like a living being, oppressive and angry; and wallowed in his thoughts.

 

After a good third of the bottle was emptied Jim picked up his cell phone off the coffee table and opened a new message. He typed, _‘I’m sorry. You deserved better then I granted you. I hope you’ll understand one day just how sorry I am.’_ Jim sent the message and worked on another third of the bottle. He must have dozed off because it was the pounding on his door that awoke him. Jim slurred out a ‘coming!’ before making it to the door, bottle still in hand. He yanked it open, careless of whom it might be on the opposite side of the door. He nearly dropped the bottle when he saw who was stood there.

 

Harvey.

 

Jim swayed a little, so he leaned against the door. Harvey thrust his cell phone in Jim’s face and demanded, “What the fuck was I meant to do with _this_?” Jim tried to focus his gaze but when he was unsuccessful Harvey burst past him into the apartment uninvited. “Where’s your gun?”

 

Jim closed the door and pointed in direction of the fridge. “Lock box.” Harvey strode immediately into the kitchen to check it. It wasn’t locked so he grumbled a curse and made certain it was secure before turning on Jim once more.

 

“What are you playing at huh? Gave me a freakin’ heart attack with that message. It sounded like a goddamned suicide note!”

 

Jim’s brow furrowed, and he made his way back over to the couch and set the vodka bottle upon the end table. “Felt like one.” He admitted in all honesty. He nodded at the whiskey bottle, picked it up and held it out to Harvey.

 

“No.” Harvey said taking the bottle from him and placing it on the end table. “I think there’s been more than enough drinking here tonight.” He sank down onto the couch alongside of Jim, still in his hat and coat. “Fuck!” He cursed rubbing his hands over his face. He was sat forward upon the cushions. He looked at Jim “What the hell are you doing Jim?”

 

_Dying_. The word was right on the tip of his tongue, yet Jim swallowed it. “You know what.” He accused wishing he didn’t have to dignify the question with a response.

 

“No, I don’t.”

 

Jim frowned. “Why are you here?”

 

“Because I saw you on the news. You look like shit, then you text me an apology that reads like suicide note, and I got worried. Okay?”

 

Not okay; _nothing_ was okay. Jim nodded and placed a hand upon Harvey’s leg and met his gaze. “I’ve wanted to see you.”

 

Harvey reached down and plucked Jim’s hand from his leg and rose to stand. “Well, now you have. Don’t do anything stupid. Just go to bed; get some sleep; and try not to be too hung over in the morning. That was my schtick as Captain and it didn’t do me any favors.”

 

“Don’t!” Jim cried out desperately, lurching forward and seizing Harvey by the wrist. The man stopped and looked from the physical contact up to Jim’s pleading features. “Stay?”

 

Harvey shrugged. “Why? So, you can gut me all over again?”

 

“No.” Jim assured his gaze misting slightly. “I just, want to talk.”

 

“You mean, have me talk while you keep everything bottled up inside? No thanks.” He tugged at Jim’s hold of him.

 

“Wait!” Jim reached for Harvey with his opposite had as well and searched Harvey’s features for a long beat before speaking once more. “What if **I** talk and you listen this time?”

 

Harvey huffed in disbelief. “I don’t think you are capable of that Jim. At least, you’ve never been willing to be.”

 

“This time, I men it.” Jim vowed tugging at Harvey’s arm with both of his hands. “ _Please_?”

 

Harvey took a breath and muttered, ‘why the hell not’; before extracting his wrist from Jim’s grip. He removed his over coat and hat, laying them both over the far end of the couch before sitting down to face Jim. He was wearing a flannel shirt over a thermal undershirt and jeans. “Okay, Jim. I’m listening.” He uttered the phrase with a warning of _‘this better be good’_ explicitly implied.

 

Jim closed his eyes feeling the prickling of his tears threaten to wet his eyelashes. He slowly opened them and said, “I can’t do this.” Harvey moved to sit forward, ready to stand up and Jim placed a hand upon his chest, firmly pushing him back against the cushions. “I can’t be captain. I can barely function as a human being, I-I _need_ you Harvey. I miss my best friend. I miss my partner. I miss, I _miss_ **you**.”

 

Harvey shook his head and pursed his lips for several seconds of silence before pleading, “Then why did you sign those damn papers right in front of me? I should be thankful you didn’t relieve me of duty in front of the guys. But honestly Jim, you treated me like shit.”

 

“Because you did a shitty thing!” Jim exclaimed desperate and struggling to reign in his hostility in the same breath. “Those cops needed you to be in that bar that night. They needed to receive their bullets from **you**! Not me, and you promised me you’d be there and then you weren’t. What was I supposed to do Harvey? The men might have lost respect for you, but I didn’t want too!”

 

“Yes, I should have been standing there! Alright? I made a colossal mistake; one I’ll regret for the rest of my life. But I knew my limitations and that was it. I hit the wall and nothing I could have said or done was going to get me through that to the other side! But you just had to be self-righteous and lecture me, punish me for something you would never have done. Guess what Jim? I’m **not** you! I can’t live up to your impossible expectations for yourself. _You_ can’t even do that! So why don’t you stop judging me and try and be my friend again, before you go making declarations of missing our partnership?”

 

“I can’t separate the two, Harvey.”

 

“No, you don’t **want** too. There’s the difference.” Harvey ran a hand back through his hair and tugged at a fist full covering his nape. He shook his head and looked at Jim. “I can forgive you, but you gotta learn to forgive me before any of this is going to work again. Can you do that Jim? Get the stick outta your ass and just be my damn _friend_ again?”

 

Tears slipped silently down Jim’s cheeks and he sniffed. “Don’t you get it Harvey? The person I need to forgive isn’t you. I’ve done that already. I need to forgive myself.”

 

“Then fucking do it already!” Harvey nearly shouted at Jim. “Don’t you think that I miss us too?”  A sob escaped Jim and once it huffed out of him the rest followed. He dissolved into tears and Harvey sighed plaintively. He pulled Jim forward, over his lap a little and stroked his back and hair while the man sobbed into his lap and abdomen.  “It’s all right.” He assured just over Jim’s sobbing. “It’s just going to take a little time to get us back to the level of friendship we shared before. It’s okay.” Jim sobbed harder and embraced Harvey tighter.

 

The minutes crawled by and finally Jim stopped crying. He went to the bathroom to blow his nose and wash his face. While he did that Harvey got him some aspirin and a large glass of water. He made Jim take the pills, drain the glass and got him stripped down for bed. Once this was accomplished he took the couch for himself and lay down to sleep. Jim was out in seconds of his head hitting the pillow and Harvey followed suit minutes later. They would talk more after sunrise, but for now they were content with the strength of the mending threads tying together while they slept.

 

Jim awoke in a panic at the sound of his bedside alarm. He shut it off and rose from the bed, too quickly and he was a little light headed as the room spun.  Ignoring the sensation, he stumbled to the threshold of the door way and peered into the living room. His body instantly relaxing upon seeing the slumbering form of his friend upon the couch; Harvey was here. Jim then permitted himself to go to the bathroom and clean up a little, shave and pick out a suit for the day. The shirt and pants hung on him a little large and he ignored this and walked into the living room now fully dressed. Harvey was up by now, took his turn in the bathroom while Jim started another few cups of coffee in the machine, electing to give the first one to Harvey when he emerged from the bedroom.

 

Jim handed him the coffee mug, flavored to his tastes and Harvey thanked him softly. He took a sip and then sat down in the plush chair to observe Jim get their breakfast ready. All that was available was toast as Jim needed to go grocery shopping. Everything in his refrigerator was past the ‘use by’ date and he didn’t want to add food poisoning to his list of woes. Harvey refused breakfast stating that they should head out to Doris’ Diner, the place they used to eat all the time. Jim agreed and on the drive over, wondered if he would be able to keep anything down. He was not hung over per se, however he not accustomed to eating much anymore. He hoped his body wouldn’t rebel against the intrusion of nutrients. He need not have concerned himself as the moment he smelled the scents of the dinner, he felt ravenous. He thought that as long as he ate slowly he’d be fine.

 

“Are you going to come back?” Jim asked once their meals had arrived at the table and the waitress left them alone.

 

Harvey shrugged. “Hadn’t thought about it. This job, it’s a killer and I don’t know if I want to die for it.”

 

Jim nodded. “I understand that now.”

 

“I can see that.” Harvey stated softly. “Start carrying a flask yet?”

 

“No. But I have a full bottle of bourbon in my desk just waiting for an excuse to crack it open. Plus, a half full bottle of whiskey that I do when I’m there late.”

 

Harvey laughed. “That the one I left you when I stepped down?” Was pushed down, but that was hardly a point Harvey wished to make now that they were talking again.

 

Jim nodded with a slight laugh. “It is.” He searched Harvey’s expression and felt his smile deepen. “I want you back.”

 

“I know.”

 

“Will you at least consider it?”

 

“Yes. But if I decide not to go back, will you refrain from punishing me and lecturing?”

 

“I can only promise to try.” Jim’s fingers itched to reach across the table and take Harvey’s hand in his own. He flinched, fingers jerking with the movement before laying still. The gesture did not go unnoticed by Harvey.

 

“I’ll hold you to it.”

 

“I know.” Harvey stated one final time, closing the topic of discussion for the duration of their meal. “You gonna cut down on the drinking?” He asked instead.

 

Jim nodded. With Harvey back in his life there would be little reason to continue to drink so heavily. “Won’t be fun, but I’ll manage. I never wanted to drink heavily in the first place.” He shrugged. “I chose it.” That, he had indeed.

 

After breakfast Harvey dropped Jim off at the precinct and with his hand on the door handle, Jim leaned towards Harvey and brushed his lips quickly over the older male’s, issuing a tender, ‘have a good day’ before exiting the car. Stunned, Harvey stared after him and Jim dared not to look back. The action had felt so natural, so fulfilling that he couldn’t help but smile broadly at his actions. He was just inside his office when he received a text from Harvey.

 

‘You didn’t give me the chance to wish you the same. I would have used tongue.'

Jim’s grin widened.


End file.
